Time, Timely

...and how it waits for no one.

November is here. That means October is over. That means that the year is almost over. That means it’s end of the year meme season. Time flies.

At the end of every October, I am filled with emptiness. It’s ironic, given that I spent the entirety of October excitedly reeling up for Halloween. Whether it’s attempting to hit the new haunted houses, trying to cram in 31 horror movies (which I never succeed in doing) or forcing a sense of spooky spirit in my day to day, I always hit a wall come the 31st. There is a sense, and shame, that I hadn’t done enough or I’ve done too much and I am burnt out. Both of these feelings are constantly playing tug of war in my brain, like two zombies fighting for the last intestine, but inevitably these two feelings lead to this aforementioned emptiness.

This emptiness comes from, I think, the fact that I know time won’t stop for me. It’s a simple, “yea, no shit!” thought, but I believe it’s something we either take for granted or we ignore, because we know can’t control time, but we still try to anyways. I blame time when I failed in fulfilling my 31 days of horror marathon or if I didn’t attend a friends Halloween party, it’s because “ran out of time” or “was too tired.” Being too busy has been a blessing in my life at times, but I’m finally realizing it’s not the best way to live. It’s more of a curse.

Oliver Burkman wrote about something called the Paradox Of Limitation in his book Four Thousand Weeks, “the more you try to manage your time with the goal of achieving a feeling of total control, and freedom from the inevitable constraints of being human, the more stressful, empty and frustrating life gets.”

That I need to cram it all in always was something I acclimated to early on out of emotional necessity and then later embraced my entire life. Being busy was a badge of honor and I liked being aggressively productive, or so I thought... This mode is a very modern, big city, capitalistic way of being and it’s how we’re conditioned, especially people who aim to achieve as much as possible. We are told our productivity should be at a maximum and our leisure should consist of consuming and doing things that distract us and we need to experience everything, see everything, do everything. The problem is, no matter how many things we do, there are infinitely just as many things we are not doing. I know I wont live forever, or at least long enough to do everything I want, so the idea I gleaned from this paradox of limitation idea is that if I lived my life with the understanding that it’s finite, it’s possible I can turn that emptiness into fulfillment by doing and embracing less, more concentrated activities. Before the Industrial Age, most pre modern people believed in the afterlife, so fear of missing out was less of a thing. Now, we have a list of things we like doing, a list of things we think we should be doing and now with social media, a list of things we missed out on that we never knew about until we saw it on social media. It’s overwhelming to say the least.

This is why October (let’s be honest, every month…) ends up feeling like a bust for me. In an effort to maintain a feeling of self made spooky spirit, I am forcing too much, making arbitrary social and media influenced goals and not simplifying. Maybe it would be good to just take in the fresh crisp autumn air, or watch just one great movie and sit with it instead of cramming in more than I have time for or even want to for that matter. My battle with time will never end, but the more I am aware that time will win in the end should put me in a better place where I feel less obligated to do everything all the time.

“The trouble with attempting to master your time, it turns out, is that time ends up mastering you.” - Oliver Burkman

In this attempt to do it all, I fear am losing or taking for granted some of the special sauce life has given me, like friends, creative endeavors, and time to think. I’m only here for so long and I don’t want my grave to read “…Too Busy To Live.” Damn.. I guess I am still in the morbid Halloween spirit after all.

Thanks for reading. I hope I didn’t take too much of you time today. :)