“When you've done well and another has benefited by it, why like a fool do you look for a third thing on top— credit for the good deed or a favor in return?” - Marcus Aurelius (paraphrased)
I have always made the dark joke that I will die on a drum throne. The meaning isn’t literal of course, but no matter what happens in my life, no matter where I go, or what I do, drumming and making music will always be something I prioritize. I am learning to say without wincing, that it is my passion. Over the years I tried to resist that by not putting all my eggs in said music basket (which was how I was raised) or by forcing myself to do other things, or be in denial and putting myself in situations that were less than ideal to thrive. But as time passes, and as I try to be more thoughtful and think internally about who I really am, I just can’t kick it. Like Michael Corleone said…
Being a teenager in the 90s, I saw a lot of Ex-Sunset-Strip-hair-rocker types who appeared as though they were still trying to live the dream and keep hope alive later than we thought they should. I’d see them all the time and it was a specific look; Black skinny jeans with holes and dyed black hair, which was thinning on top. Being the judgmental punk teenagers my friends and I were, we would make fun of this type of person and we’d ask “Why would you want to still try and be a rockstar when you're over 40? Ew.” It seemed pathetic to us because 40 was old, our parents age and art should be for the young, or so we thought. Well, here we are. I am at 40 and still playing music to ok crowds and grabbing any crumb of opportunity or success I can get.
Of course, I’d like to think my situation may be different and I don't feel as though I am that same type of guy I judged, but like those guys, I am still consistently doing the thing that a lot of people would have already given up on, including many of my friends. I am not holding out hope and I can certainly say that I am not waiting to “live the dream” and be a commercially successful rock star, but I am still actively playing and maybe against my better judgement, prioritizing it over money.
I read books, papers and listen to podcasts about people who had shifted into their second or third part of their life, moving their careers out of the Arts because it was practically and financially unfeasible for them to stay in it. To many, life choices become about the practical and frankly, about survival, because, let’s face it, we’re all afraid of living in poverty. Everyone has their own priorities and ways of adapting and shifting when things are not going the way they expected in life. Again, it’s survival. However, there is also something to be said about being ok with not being ok and I feel that artists need that emotional tug of war as a way of surviving too. The emotional necessity that comes with a passion cannot be ignored.
A lot of artists who “hold out” longer than most, still crave and need the autonomy to be free to think and to make their art, which may actually be the thing they are put in this earth to do. In order to do that though, there must be some sort of financial compromise and it may require taking a job that, optically, isn’t sexy or fruitful. In this “go get ‘em, make money, spend and stimulate” capitalist era, the optics are that you're a loser if you don't have X amount of money by X age, which of course, seems unfair to most of the country who are struggling and will continue to, no matter how well their boot straps fit, artists aside. This line of thinking can stifle and scare a lot of creatives who, had they stuck it out a little longer, could have maybe had success but were scared of the financial loss and stopped short. But, what if it is possible that a 47 year old dishwasher who gets to do musical theater on the weekends and at nights is happier than the Fortune 500 millionaire? Where are those stories and why are we all quick to judge people by how they make their money instead of what they’re good at and what makes them and the people around them happy? They don’t have to be the same thing. I am just making broad generalizations, but money or validation truly can’t be the impetus for all we do, can it? This need for the “third thing” will just be a society of snakes eating their own tails.
What is this “third thing?” and where the hell is this going, Sean? To breakdown the quote at the top from Marcus Aurelius, there are 2 “things” we do and seek when we do a good deed or make something new. The “first thing” let’s say, is the act of doing something, so for example, performing on stage or recording a song. The “second thing” is when people are moved by or enjoy the performance or recorded song. The “third thing” would be the creator or do’er expecting or asking for gratification or applause, or a number 1 sale. The reality is, we have no control over that “third thing” and so it becomes superfluous, because in Marcus Aurelius’ eyes, the act of giving and receiving was enough. To expect anything more would lead to disappointment or resentment. You don’t need the “third thing” but you want it and needs and wants are two different things.
My whole life, and especially since I have learned how to perform, I've longed for validation, gratification and applause. I would scream into a void asking for validation needing it constantly, but I'm coming to realize that I'm still prioritizing music and still carrying that boulder up a hill is because I need to for me, not because I need the validation from others. Frankly, if I was doing it for validation, I probably would have likely quit a long time ago. To be still playing to smallish crowds and occasionally banging my head against the wall as successes and things I expected to happen wash away, is sometimes pretty painful. However, that pain is only in the short term and in the long term, if I listen to the pain and act accordingly, it dissipates and turns into a deeper need to be better, not more successful, but to be a better player, a better listener and to push myself more. In fact, I feel I am a better player now at 40 than I ever was because of this pain and discomfort. No good work comes from joy or complacency anyways. You can find 1,000 famous quotes and even bible passages that say the same thing. The hard work is the journey and the journey is the point, not the destination, or something…
Perhaps I’ll never get to the destination I had imagined as kid, so I’d like to think all of this is just part of my never ending life long tour. I feel I am evolved enough to know that I am playing music because I love it and need it and if that passion dies, I know I can move on without resentment because I have put in the time to reflect on on all of it and being ok with letting go of wanting that “third thing” from others. For me, it’s all about the internal needs and if I decide for external reasons to stop playing music, then I will be doing myself and the small world around me who like what I do, a disservice. Sure, survival comes first, but I can make that work as long as I am able to do the thing I love to do forever, practicality be damned!
For now, I guess I’m that loser 40-year-old I made fun of, but I’m ok with it as long as I don’t dye my hair. :)
Thanks for reading this on a Tuesday! Hope you’re all happy, healthy and staying cool.
Keep doing music, Sean. For you and for the world. But also take note, you've really become one hell of a writer.