Road To Nowhere
Come On Outside
I work right next to the Van Nuys airport which is also in the same flight path as the Burbank airport so needless to say, I am inundated with the sights and sounds of planes all day long. On my short breaks, I go outside and look up to the sky and watch the planes and daydream about being on one and going somewhere, anywhere but where I currently am. It is a pleasant 2 minute respite from the relentlessness of my life. Luckily, I got to fulfill that daydream last week, when I traveled to New York last week for a quick visit to support Kelly Lansing who ran the NYC marathon. It had to be a quickie because money and time are tight, so unfortunately it felt like by the time we got there we had to turn around and go home. The trip wasn’t without it’s fun though and I’ll get to that later, but as I was on the flight back, I was thinking about how much traveling like this is indicative of how I’ve lived my life which feels like I am on a treadmill, sprinting from thing to another without much time to stop and smell and the pizza.
I left for the trip feeling wholly unprepared. I had back to back gigs the previous two nights and with work and school in the mix, my packing and preparation felt scant and rushed, with no time for grounding and no time to breathe. We got up at 5am so we could rush to get in the ticket line, to get to the TSA line so we can make it to the bathroom line before we get in line for the gate. Then after a few hours of sitting uncomfortably, we de-board so we could rush to wait again in another line. I am not talking out of school here as this is normal for travel, but I tend to ruminate on the process instead of accepting it for what it is, which makes it all feel frenetic and anxiety inducing. Basically, this scene from Home Alone 2 conveys what is happening in my head when I am traveling.
I sound like an ungrateful Scrooge and maybe I am, but this is my current state and I am being honest because for me, it’s more than annoying: It’s existential.
It’s not like I wasn’t enjoying myself, or celebrating Kelly’s accomplishment. In fact, the marathon itself, in which I ran 14 of the 26.2 miles, was incredible and awe inspiring. Halloween night, where we traversed the East Village looking for punk rock relics like the Joe Strummer mural and happened upon a non profit punk in the park show was inspiring. I even had a hang session with Raziq Rauf after the marathon and that too was great and memorable and there is another story there too for another day…Needless to say, I had a great time overall.
I have no problem letting go and enjoying myself when I am gone, it’s just I get anxious as soon as I think about how reality kicks back in, and I know I’ll be back on the treadmill without any rest or salt tablets to keep me maintained, running on pure adrenaline in continuous survival mode. I feel there is one explanation for this kind of feeling, one in which things that normally give pleasure do not, where I am constantly tired, irritable and no matter what I do, it’s never enough. It’s called burnout and it’s loomed large over my legend lately, much like Ringo and his drums.
At its core, burnout consists of three core constructs; emotional exhaustion, depersonalization and feelings of reduced accomplishment. Maslach and Jackson (1981)
Beyond your run of the mill, normal burnout, there is also travel burnout / fatigue and as a concept it’s not new, but since COVID-19, there has been research showing that people do get travel fatigue and burnt out quite often. The research brings to light something that isn’t talked about, which is how travel can be maladaptive, or result in negative consequences. This runs contrary to what the media and the world is telling us, which is we should get up and go when we’re feeling depleted and that a vacation will take those woe’s away. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case. Whatever issues you were avoiding by leaving town will always come back, waiting for you as soon as you land back in Burbank, or wherever.
There is this infatuation with positivity when it comes to travel and when one is fatigued during travel, there can be a sense that maybe something is wrong with them and that can actually exacerbate the anxiety and fatigue, like it did to me. We’re inundated with how travel is the “most fulfilling” and “life changing” thing and it can be, but if someone isn’t ready for it, it can have an adverse outcome. In fact, there is a functionality versus fulfillment situation that can happen to those who travel when burnt out. The function outweighs the fulfillment, which makes the trip feel more like an obligation, which was not the intent. The thing with burnout is that it can 180 your thoughts and intentions without much notice and one is left feeling lost and confused. Those who complain after travel, much like I am doing here I suppose, will be met with “Well, at least you’re privileged enough to travel” and things of this nature. This isn’t wrong, but neither is one’s feeling of exhaustion or fatigue. Both can be true, and one doesn’t lessen the other.
I think back on some of the longer tours I had been on and on a few occasions, I hit a certain point in which the relentless motion would knock me out emotionally. I would, after a week to 10 days out, have small panic attacks, crying fits and this excessive fear that I was stuck and unable to get home and that the days ahead would never end. Travel exhaustion is marked by extensive travelling followed by low motivation for engaging in further travel. As travel ceases to be fun anymore due to the stress accumulated during the course of travelling; this is accompanied by longing for familiar environments, i.e., home. (Yousaf, 2021) I was homesick, but I was unable to handle the distress because I was never taught or shown how. Back then, it was about “suck it up and keep grinding…” because that’s how you get ahead, but if it was now, I’d aim to regulate by finding some adaptive mindfulness practices. I would basically catch the crazy wave until the waters calmed and I got back in. The bottom line is that traveling, keeping consistently busy and moving around a lot requires one to be emotionally grounded. Our minds and bodies work in tandem, as anyone who read The Body Keeps The Score will tell you and if you’re either emotionally drained, or physically drained, traveling might not actually be the optimal choice, especially if what drains you will magnify while traveling, for example, money.
On the flight home, I found myself jealous of the man sitting next to me on the plane. He was alone and contemplatively looking out the window at the vast and brown and green nothingness of middle America below us. He seemed content, he had good posture and he was not fidgeting or trying to do 15 things like I was. (I had to ping pong back and forth between 4 books and 2 movies for school.) Of course, I didn’t know what he was thinking, or if he was going through something and I didn’t need to know, but his presence juxtaposed with mine, made him seem at peace and present, which is something I long for most days. He was being mindful, at least that was the projection.
There is the phrase “motion is lotion” that I have been hearing a lot lately and I think for those who are stagnant and stuck, it applies nicely. For those of us who thrive on motion and where it’s both a blessing and a curse, motion can be vaseline, making us slip and slide without a way to stop, or to continue with annoying analogies, it can become tar and you’re stuck. The point is, if the motion isn’t working and burnout and fatigue kick in and you notice that things that once gave you pleasure feel meaningless and that you’re constantly irritated, sad or indifferent, check in on yourself. What are you doing that can be lessened, or what aren’t you doing that could be fulfilling? Maybe it’s not doing anything at all, or stopping to stare out the window for 3 hours on a flight, or go for a walk or even meditate. There’s no one size fits all, and what matters is that you’re in the moment. Mindfulness can go a long way and without it, we’ll continue to slip on that vaseline or get stuck on the tar.
Thanks for reading! Putting this stuff down on Substack helps and your feedback helps even more, so thankyouthnkayouthankyou
ETC:
I am currently in the process of putting together my yearly Skid Row Food and Hygiene Kit Handout and I’d love to have you readers help if you can. We are adding a new layer this year and collecting more food so we can build a second set of kits for the local Community Fridges here in North East Los Angeles. If the Government won’t help those that need, hopefully some neighbors like us can!
Don’t hesitate to reach out with any questions. More info here!
Build Kit day: Saturday, November 22
Handout Day: Sunday, November 23
I'd never heard the phrase motion is lotion, but I have heard many times emotion is energy in motion. I'm not sure if there's anything behind these slogans, and like you I wonder if they're detrimental in giving people a false idea of what they need to do. I'm all for stillness rather than activity to recover from things and get back on an even keel. I think motion often papers over problems and provides an excuse for not dealing with them.