Is It Arrested Development?
Or Is It Hope Fatigue?
"If hope and fear are two sides of one coin, so are hopelessness and confidence. If we're willing to give up hope that insecurity and pain can be exterminated, then we can have the courage to relax with the groundlessness of our situation." Pema Chodron
One of my many ongoing part-time jobs is working for an independent home bartending company here in Los Angeles. It’s a very very part time job, so not a huge commitment, but it’s a nice couple of hours away from the phone and gets me out of my head. Last week I was talking to the owner, whom I consider a friend, about how the last couple of weeks have been. Without adding the prerequisite full time work and full time school part into the story, I told him about my particularly crazy Saturday I had a couple of weeks back. For context, he was also a drummer for many years and had some success by playing in a band that was on a couple live TV shows, festivals and did some pretty good theater size touring in the aughts. I am about a year older than him and he's got this great burgeoning independently owned business and is on track to buying a home in Los Angeles, which anyone from LA knows, is a Herculean task. He’s doin’ it!
Anyway, I tell him about how I flew out to Oakland late Friday night to spend a bit (not enough) time with my best friend and then woke up to make a 10am soundcheck and then play a 3 hour covers set at a Beer Fest in San Francisco sitting in with my friends Black Crystal Wolf Kids (think early Ipod commercials and 90’s KROQ as the set list.) I then shoved food in my face, went back to the Oakland airport by 5pm to fly back to Burbank, and drive down to mid city to make it in time to be a part of the A.N.D.Y. Show tribute for an old musical mentor and friend, Andy Paley, which ended around 11:30 pm. It was an exciting and fulfilling day to be sure, but a very long one nonetheless.
For many professional musicians and hired guns who travel to play, this is par for the course and nothing too crazy. For me, I actually enjoy the excessive movement this lifestyle can bring and to be at a point in my life where I am afforded these opportunities from time to time is something I don’t take for granted. It means I can actually call myself a “professional” which was something I rallied against for a long time for some weird reason. Unfortunately, being a professional doesn't always mean it’s a full time job. In fact, being a professional musician is, like the bartending company, another part time job which makes trips and days like these feel even more hectic because it means it’s immediately back to reality, without any time to reflect or soak it in. Being a traveling, or currently in my case, a weekend warrior musician can be ALL consuming, and there is nothing “part time” about it.
So, when I told him about that weekend, he said “Man, you are living like you're 26 again!” and then laughed. He is not wrong and as benign and funny aside as it was, I still got a little bit in my head about that comment. Thinking about being 26 again actually makes me sick, because I didn’t really particularly like who I was then, and even though I’d like to think I may be more emotionally evolved and grown now in my 40’s, I am still doing a variation on the same thing as I was when I was 26, but now, as one of my many part time jobs and not the end goal.
It's my priority, but I can't prioritize it
According to an arbitrary societal rule, by the time you’re in your 40’s, one needs to have a sense of being established that includes a job with a certain amount of yearly zeros, owning a house and raising a family. Yes, I have an amazing wife, dog, family and community, but I don’t have the other external stuff. As much as I tried to conform to these rules, I am where I am, but I know that it’s by choice. I make these conscious decisions to follow my own path, not one chosen for me and even as I am eyeing a solid career change on the horizon, I am still caught in this idea of what (and where) I am supposed to be. It makes me sometimes feel like I am in some sort of arrested development. Am I? Are artists or people who decidedly forge their own paths in some sort of arrested development? I would argue no. In fact, I find it to be more evolved, but that’s just me…
When this feeling comes up for me, like it did the other day, I get into this compare or despair mode, which according to many psychologists, is a symptom of one of, if not all cognitive distortions we carry with us. The comparing part is from the aforementioned expectation society has put on people and the despair part comes from the shame of “not making it” or not being at a place one “should” be. This point of view can be really maladaptive and for many, and can lead to depression, or worse, keeping someone from finding their true self through creativity and living a life without external expectations. When someone I know, like my friend with this business, has, or had, some success in their field, I DO compare myself and then get down on the fact that I am “not where he / she is” as if there is a tangible metric of success. Basically, anything I do isn’t good enough, at least that’s the despair component kicking in… For those who deal with and want to fight this compare and despair, we need to look at each individual person as completely different with different wants, different needs and that whatever societal structure is set in place should not be how they dictate what they do and when they do it. This thinking can set many up for failure, and it’s the obligations and structures put on us forcibly by society that make them feel lonely and sad . There seems to be less emotionally fulfilled people because of this and I am not being hyperbolic, because I see it everyday.
When I play music, even with the frenetic traveling and the endless unknowns that come with it, it is an emotionally fulfilling experience almost every time. I am used to that feeling and I get something out of it, which is why I continue, and will continue to do it, even when I am “not supposed to.” I am certainly not pretending like I'm 26, in fact far from it. I want to embrace my age, the limitations and use that to my advantage and I aim to be thoughtful about everything I do. Sure, balancing time can be a high wire act, but I love doing what I do, and it’s these moments I’ve fought for, put time in for and dreamt of. Why stop because I am a certain age and why stop if it’s not at the scale I initially imagined? In a sense, the passion can supersede the fear and I think that reframe can help with the hopelessness.
There is a Buddhist philosophy about abandoning hope and what I take from that is that our expectations bring some sort of false hope that will never be achieved, so if we free ourselves from that thought process, we can embrace the here and the now, and I find this to be powerful because if I compare what I am doing now with what I THOUGHT I’d be doing, I’ll never achieve any happiness or acceptance. This is not how I want to live and it could be why I thought I was insufferable at 26, because I expected a certain type of success that was just not there for me at the time.
It may be true that by a certain age, some stability needs to be in play especially if you are trying to raise a family or support others, but for creatives and thinkers, the priorities are just that; creating and thinking. Without those inherent and perhaps necessary actions, there is no internal happiness or fulfillment to give to others.
I really don't know what the answer is to this. I am just curious as to why that comment got to me, so I guess the answer for me, as a way to not compare or despair is to ask am I fulfilled? Does what I do daily serve me and through that, the others around me? Are my values intact? If I died today, would I have regrets? These are things that go through my mind when I make decisions that seem exhausting or, for lack of a better phrase, immature like a 26-year-old would make. If I still have the energy and playing and making music continues to align with my passion and values, I will continue to do it. In fact, I have said in jest that I will likely die on a drum throne, but that’s future shit. I’ll worry about right now instead and stop blabbering…
Has anyone out there gone through this awkward feeling of arrested development before? I imagine I'm not alone here, right?!
As always, thanks for reading and I hope everyone is happy and healthy.
I would agree with you, society has tried to sell us on obligations and structures that no longer make sense, if they ever did. And that it's about embracing the here and now. Good philosophy!
All the damn time, Sean. All the damn time. I’m in my 40s with little hope of achieving any societal milestones except already having a college degree. None of this was the plan, but I’m having a very particular fangirl moment right now and I’m embracing the cringe, the joy, and everything in between while the world burns around us.