During COVID lockdown, I was asked to be on a few podcasts. One of note was me defending Green Day albums, but another was for an old musician friend who was starting a show based around tour stories and anecdotes from the road. He had thought of me because I had done a decent amount of touring and that maybe I’d have some fun recollections to share.
It turns out I didn’t.
The interview went well and basically instead of telling stories, I had given him an oral treatise on the philosophy of touring and what it means to me. I did tell a few stories, but for the sake of the format, which is sort of akin to campfire stories, they didn’t make the cut. Once he was ready to produce and ship the show out over a year later, I got the call that “it wasn’t the right fit.” It made sense that it didn’t work and ultimately what goes on the show is up to him, but it didn’t make it sting less for me. Being told no is one thing, but when I sat back and thought about it, I realized I was no fun.
(The Echo, LA 2000-something)
No, this isn’t a pity party. What I’m saying is that as the self appointed de-facto tour manager, boss, straight guy in my bands, I had to be in control of most situations. This of course, extends to my entire life, which after discovering through therapy was and still is a defense mechanism. When I am in a chaotic place, I turn to control as a way to distance myself from and as a way to turn the chaos off and touring is total chaos. You are a nomad. Your diet is off, your schedule is whacked and aside from making sure you’re at the gig, all else is unplanned and you’re always ready to pivot, guided by nothing but the clock. That chaos probably fueled me and it allowed my super ego to kick in and take control of every situation. It’s no wonder my id had no time to jump out and get into shenanigans. This is also why I don’t do drugs and at the time of my heavy touring, barely drinking. How can I have off the rails fun, throwing TV’s out the window and driving cars into pools fun when I have to get the band paid or drive to the hotel? That was my decision to do so to stave off any unwarranted anarchic fun, but it was unconscious. I wasn’t actively trying to distance myself from it, but my mind would always go to “taking care of business” first.
(BMI Showcase SXSW Austin TX, 2006)
I don’t regret any of this, but after that podcast call, I did have to do some mental excavation and get curious. I would like to think that part of me has dialed this back and if nothing else, I understand the “why” more so I can have fun if the moment strikes me and not have shame about it. My last couple of tours may have been overall pretty tame, but I let go a bit. I was ok with others driving the van and I asked for help, if needed. I tried to live in every moment I had, worry free. I let things happen naturally, without trying to plan every second. It was nice. That may not sound “fun” in the classical rock and roll sense, but I am ok with that. Jumping out windows does sound fun, but I know that’s not me. I’ll encourage someone else to and film it, but my superego is always ready to pounce. Maybe when I’m in my 60’s I can start letting the id out more but until then I just wont have many exciting stories for you…Sorry.
I'm no fun either, but for different reasons. 🤷♂️