“Just put me in a wheelchair, get me on a plane
Hurry, hurry, hurry before I go insane
I can't control my fingers, I can't control my brain”
- I Wanna Be Sedated by The Ramones
The other night I had experienced a feeling that I hadn’t felt in awhile but one that has been very common for me throughout my life. It was a feeling of discomfort and unease. A feeling of being frozen and so in my head and body, I couldn’t escape and it was all because I had nothing to do.
Usually I have something immediate to take care of or prep for, like homework, a gig, practice to work on or work towards. Otherwise, I am out doing said things or with run clubs, gigging, hanging with my wife. This particular night however, I was just home alone with no plan of attack, no immediate things to check off the list. Alone. In my head. Ugh.
(hidden cam footage of me that night)
What I used to do in these situations in the past was to turn on the TV and let the lulling sounds of Frasier reruns lull me into submission or I’ll put on a podcast so I’m at least hearing people around me. It made me feel less alone. I can only speak for myself here, but this, as I am understanding it now, is just a way to hide with being with these feelings of discomfort. (DUH, you may say out loud right now!) Ignoring it with noise from TV or radio is a form of soothing myself the way someone would use drugs or alcohol or sex to distract from their discomforts. My choice of soothing, or my drug as it were, was just to be busy all the time. Do, do, do. But, where does this need come from? Why can’t I sit still? What I’ve come to discover for me is that this pattern is both nature and nurture.
Growing up, my house was pretty active. Aside from Saturday night movie time, there was always a sense of motion and it was never quiet. As a way to adapt and to keep up I would just put on a movie, listen to a record or draw to occupy the time and try to quiet the brain. It works as you develop creative things, but it became a crutch. That method of always having something to do and work on continued throughout adulthood. How did I keep up being in 6 bands at a time, working full time, hosting a podcast, trying to be in relationships and whatever the fuck else I did in my mid to late 20’s? The truth is, I didnt. One thing would invariably eat the other and I ended up back to the start hitting my head against the wall. If there’s no focus, there’s no success, but I didn’t know that.
Aside from my familial upbringing, growing up in the Reagan and Clinton years, there was a pervasive sense of constant growth and opportunity if you just work hard and work long. Put in the time, you get the success which in the eyes of a capitalistic culture, was money and respect, both external things. Now, in many ways, yes, working hard can pay off, but the real problem is that the capitalist America I grew up in doesn’t not take kindly to doing less or to stopping to reset. It’s a produce and consume culture that leaves no room for thought or stillness. There’s no internal grace or respect, it’s all built on external needs and wants, which of course is the opposite of the Ancient Greeks who prided themselves on leisure and thinking time. Work was second to them. But this is 2023 America, not Ancient Greece.
With that thought I did find it interesting that during the thick of COVID lockdown, people were engaged socially and thought more internally. The ones not working were using that time to find their purpose, whether it was out in the streets protesting or, unfortunately, online screaming into a void about how horrible masks were. But, you get the point. The world stopped producing as much and so people began to do things for themselves like make bread and start new, more personal careers. It was a reverse of what we are told to do and it was great for a while. I also remember the first time I went to Europe, and how shocked I was at the speed (or lack thereof) in which people did things like make coffee. It was a mind blow to discover “island time” in real time as something real and not a joke. Our culture here in America is all about move and go and don’t stop. I used to use the analogy that I was a shark and if I kept moving, I’d die. Hardy har, right? But this sense of constant work and movement was engrained in my brain very early on and frankly, it’s still there. What I’m left with now, with all said and done, is a feeling of insecurity, discomfort and a sense I am lesser-than.
Humans natural reaction to an uncomfortable feeling is to run from it, hence the phrase “fight or flight.” It’s a biological part of human nature as a way to either evade or fight a predator, or in my case, the brain. Lately, however, the word Freeze has been added to this phrase, so we now have “Fight Or Flight Or Freeze” which is basically “…fight-or-flight on hold, where you further prepare to protect yourself. It’s also called reactive immobility or attentive immobility. It involves similar physiological changes, but instead, you stay completely still and get ready for the next move.” (Nunez, 2023) The other night I was in freeze mode, which helps to explain the feeling of being trapped in my body and head. I was frozen by fear, frozen by endless choice. I would say to myself, “Why aren’t I doing something productive?” “What do I even do!?” I knew I didn’t wanna sooth with TV or relentless cleaning as I’ve done before because it doesn’t work in the long run. It’s like a bandaid on a gun shot. This time, instead of doing the usual, I decided to sit with it. Not fight it, not run from it or ignore it. Instead, I was curious about it and accepted it as just a passing feeling. And wouldn’t you know, it worked. I found enough calm in my mind and body that I was able to let the discomfort pass and I grabbed a book (Mike Davis’ City Of Quartz, a must for LA obsesso’s like me) and read for awhile. Unlike Joey Ramone, I was able to control my fingers and toes for once.
This may sound silly to some, but I’m attempting to remove bad habits and develop good habits like, which as innocuous as it sounds, sitting alone quietly. It’s really hard. A friend posted a meme that said “Change Is Scary, But So Is Staying The Same.” I think that’s a good reminder to myself to keep at it.
If you got this far, thanks so much for reading. It’s been great sharing these thoughts with you readers and hopefully it doesnt feel too much like a diary. If you like what you read, tell a friend who may dig it too. I’m enjoying this writing thing and I hope you do too.
Oh, I promise this isn’t another thing to keep me busy… ;)