Compiling Bands, Compiling Stress.
Old Habits Die Hard...
“ We can’t trust ourselves completely if things are going our way all the time. Trust is not based on preferred outcomes trust is based on the commitment to try and to being open to learning which could sometimes mean making a mistake. “ - Mike Friedman
I’ve missed posting here the last couple of weeks not for lack of trying, but because it’s been very busy as I get through finals in school, holidays and general life stuff. What was also happening and why I needed to stop and take a quick look in the mirror was that I was having continuous panic attacks for about a week straight. It’s not uncommon for me to have intermittent panic attacks especially when big life changes occur, which is why I found it a bit ironic that in my last post, I had said in regards to continuing the story of the compilation and the ensuing fest, “...I did put together a weekend long record release “fest” for this comp, which was also when I had my first panic attack” Timing…
The last aforementioned post here was about how I put together a compilation CD with 26 local bands that had been playing out at the time when I was 19. It was a large undertaking-especially for a teenager-but I looked to my heroes like Epitaph Records, SST Records and other punk rock adjacent DIY labels who showed me that this can be done with very little cash and a lot of intention.
Prepping it, getting the bands together, doing the artwork and figuring out best practices for pressing 1,000 CD’s didn’t seem like hard work because I was doing something creative, exciting and doing it with friends. I had a lot of fun during the process, at least that’s how I remembered it. The thing is, when one charts new territory, doing something they’ve never done before and faking it till they make it, there is a substantial amount of stress involved that can go unchecked. As humans, we are meant to get stressed from time to time and in fact, it is a very adaptive trait for us, because releasing cortisol or adrenaline motivates us to run from tigers and deal with bosses. However, when we become addicted to doing things that motivate us, to push ahead, that feeling can make us think that this feeling, this constant motion, is what it takes to be successful, the body and mind be damned. This was my mode and I suppressed the feelings and the warning signs that I was in over my head and I plowed, pridefully going 1,000 miles per hour.
I knew that once the CD was in motion I had to do a record release show to showcase all of these bands in this burgeoning scene. I did a couple fundraising shows to get a head start, but since the train wasn’t going to stop, I decided filling up a credit card was the way to go to get this thing paid for, which gave me my first taste of debt. I always thought of the story of Kevin Smith saying he filled up a credit card to make Clerks, and like many motivated (maybe delusional) teens at the time, that story was inspiring. If he can, so can I. I know now relying on predatory credit card companies is not the smart move, but I was less concerned about that at 19 because I thought pulling this community of bands together was more important and I figured at some point I would pay it off, even though at the time I was working at Tower Records and making $6 an hour. But I digress…
When deciding where to have the show, I knew it couldn’t be a bar. It had to be all ages and we needed full autonomy of the schedule, how we got people in and out, and how it was promoted. I was able to convince the Veteran of Foreign Wars Hall in Redondo Beach to let me take over the space for a full weekend. This venue was meant for banquets, birthday parties and of course veterans, not for what we had in mind. I’m forever grateful for their willingness to take a chance on me and for any venue that did for that matter because, especially in the time in the South Bay, there weren’t many non-bars to play at all.
Assembling the bands to send me a recording was one thing, but to get them to do the show was another feat in and of itself and like Nick Fury, I assembled everyone I wanted, even though a few took some real convincing for some reason, and then it was time to promote.
The hardest thing to do as a promoter is promote and in my head, 26 bands telling some friends would be enough to spread the word and that my job in this department would be minimal, but that was not to be. My adrenaline kicked into overdrive and I fliered, fliered and fliered, hitting every record store, coffee shop and even sat at all of the LA Weekly stands in the area, putting fliers in every single issue I could. I made tickets at Kinkos and even had perforation on them so they would rip like a normal ticket. If anyone pre-ordered the CD at the local record stores, they would get a ticket to the event so I was able to incentivize getting tickets in advance. I covered every base and this was pre social media and smart phones so it was all tangible, physical, real world stuff.
As the weeks led up to the show, I discovered that presales were very low and all the while I was getting berated by a few of the record shop owners because I was green when it came to setting wholesale versus retail prices so I didn’t undercut the reseller. I wanted the CD’s to be $5, no more and that meant the wholesale should be far less. Duh. Lesson learned. Being yelled at, knowing that ticket sales were low, I was having these intense fears of not being good enough, imposter syndrome, and discovering the control slipping away from me really took its toll on me mentally, but again, I was suppressing and it was leading me away from the more activating, adaptive stress and it was turning more into distress because I was overwhelmed and unable to cope with the demands that I had placed upon myself.
This all led up to me having a panic attack the week leading up to the show. I was expressing some of my concerns to my then girlfriend and like a dam bursting, it just came out. I wept, or maybe it was a loud ugly cry, with bonus shaking and hyperventilating for what seemed about 2 hours. She was calming and helped me through it, and even though I know I may have traumatized or scared her, her presence helped me and helped the waves pass. After the panic attack I was activated again and kicked back into gear, without processing or being curious about why the dam burst in the first place.
The problem was there’s only so much I was and am able to suppress and the tension has to be let go like a pressure cooker and since our emotions are like a pressure cooker, they could burst at any moment so we have to release the valve once in awhile. I’ve never been good at releasing the valve and I’m still afflicted with these things today; fear of losing control, deep insecurity and not being good enough. Old habits die hard.
Luckily, the show itself was a huge success. We eventually sold a lot of tickets at the door (which was another lesson learned that most people buy at the door) and everyone had a great time. It happened to also be my band From.’s last show and coincidentally at the same venue we had our first show at, so there was definitely a nice full circle moment there. It was also a very weird mix of bands because I had the jazz band playing right before the hardcore punk band and the goth band playing right before the heavy rock band, etc. That was kind of my point though: to bridge the genre gap and to showcase different bands and artists to build a more diverse crowd and scene. It’s a lesson that I feel is important even today because I feel having four bands that sound exactly the same on a bill is not interesting. Plus from a business point of view, different bands have different crowds so you can maximize your amount of people at the show if you think outside the box a little bit. Perhaps some of the choices were extreme but again, I was learning.
Where this leads me today is this idea that yes, old habits do die hard, but it doesn’t mean those habits hold sway the way they used to. Doing that “fest” and making the CD was in many ways me discovering how to be an adult because I was making big decisions and big investments, especially for a teenager. If I had these big dreams and goals, I had to grow up a bit even if it meant jumping into the deep end and pushing myself to my limits. Here I am 22 years later moving into another huge life change, making big decisions that can alter my life moving forward and again, I am continuing to push myself past my limits. The short term activating stress has long since passed and I am in distress mode, but this time it feels different because I have perspective.
I am reminded of this idea that when people’s mental health is compromised, they lose trust in themselves and when things are going their way, the trust comes back. This can be misleading and misguided. I think we have to trust ourselves more when we are compromised, when the panic or overwhelm kicks in because if we don’t, we slip into that abyss of insecurity, self loathing and shame. If we blindly trust ourselves when things are going right then we have no backup plan for when things are not going right and we further distrust ourselves, affecting our mental health in negative ways. With that, we must trust that the hard decisions we make are ones that will serve us and for the better because if we do, that trust will guide us all the way to the end. If I hadn’t trusted my dream of putting this CD and show together, I would have given up. If I am not trusting that my current life trajectory is for the better in the long term, I’d be in the same rut I was 5 years ago. When we’re in survival mode, it’s hard to take a long view, but if we have a better understanding of what that stress does to us, both good and bad, we can better guide not just our decisions, but how we react to them so the dam doesn’t always burst, like it does and will likely do again for me.
With that said, nothing easy is worth doing.
Thanks for reading ad continued thanks to all of the subscribers. I’d do this without any subscribers, but having you all continue to follow this project give me a bonus kick in the butt to keep it alive. Much love.
I hope everyone is ready to get the hell out of 2025. What a year, huh?
ETC:
Our Skid Row Food / Hygiene Kit Handout was an amazing success! I wrote a little bit about it on Instagram here . I appreciate everyone who donated three time, money and efforts. It was and is always a special weekend for me.
I’m doing a random one-off Nirvana/Pixies tribute show tonight (12/11) with some friends if you get this newsletter on time, come out to the Monty in DTLA!
This song came to mind…
