Alone, Together
No, this isn't about The Strokes...
When we (
) were on tour a couple of years back with the amazing German based band The Roxies, their singer Matthew had a regular stage rap about how important community and togetherness is. We'd make loving jokes about it in the van screaming "IT'S ALL ABOUT COOMMUUUNNNITTY!" in his English accent. Jokes aside, his rap was poignant, earnest and I agree with it 100%. On that tour, between them and us, we built an 8 headed rock and roll monster and in his words, built a real community and it was probably my favorite tour I’d ever been on. For those two-ish weeks our little bands felt less on an island, and together we played every show with a collective sense of urgency and celebration. More importantly though, for the less spectacular shows, we all shared a common feeling of humility and embraced it. If the venue was full, or completely empty, we as an octet, made the best of it and always acted as if we were the only ones in the room, playing for each other. Speaking for myself, but I think if those shows happened with just the one band, the outcome would feel different and maybe those low attended shows would have made us feel more isolated, defeated and likely turn us inward, existentially considering why we are doing what we do. Luckily, with The Roxies, we weren't alone and we felt we could take on the world no matter who was or wasn’t there.
I have been thinking about "COMMMMUNNNIIITTTY" a lot because I am noticing how I am affected by being alone and feeling the difference when others are around. There is a very famous longitudinal Harvard study in which people were studied from childhood to old age, and without getting into the weeds, a major takeaway of the study was that being around others, having a support system, community, was correlated to longevity. Bringing this all to modern day, it's been made clear that we have a loneliness epidemic in our post-COVID world and the isolation for many has rewired their brains, atrophied their social muscles and it altogether changed how many of us meet people or feel when around others. The idea that we can thrive together, as part of a community, got kinda lost.
Author, entrepreneur and self help guru Jonathan Fields writes about the idea of parallel playmates where, as part of a research study, people were placed in a group that worked toward a specific goal or task and, or course, the group thrived. This is what he called the normalizing effect. Conversely, when the group was split and there was one person alone in a group trying to achieve a different goal, that “oddball” would likely give up on the task because of the lack of support and relatability. This study reminded me of running culture and more specifically, training for a marathon or race. From the running clubs I have been a part of, I see how transformative running in a group over running alone can be. Doing something major in a group format takes the pressure off and seeing that others may be in the same position and level of endurance can allow people to feel less alone and more inspired to push because they have “playmates” to run with. The results are both obvious and also incredibly effective. Those who trained with a group, whether small or large, are not just likely to do well, they are more likely to continue running after said race or event. I can say that I would not be at the level I am at without the support of the clubs I have run with over the years and that camaraderie adds to the already high burst of endorphins, making the experience all the more potent, memorable and healing. Global Running Day was this week and seeing many of my running friends post about it on social media and wax poetic about running, their chosen clubs and the friends (and even lovers) they gathered on the way was nice. The earnest, and sincere posts hammered on the point of how important community is to running, but more universally, how important community is to giving people courage to be earnest, vulnerable and sincere without judgement because they know they’re not alone in that sentiment.
Back to music… “COOOMMMUUUNNIITTYYY” and music are so enmeshed that to consider how they’d be separate would seem an impossibility. I see a band as one individual system or being. Sure, it’s literally a handful of people, but for the sake of argument, I feel a band is a singular entity and that singular entity needs to thrive around other singular entities, ie; other bands. I have experienced from both points of view and from that experience, I know how essential it is to have a musical community, or how it’s known colloquially, a scene. Humans are inherently social animals and so are bands. Whether it’s healthy rivalry (see, The Beatles versus The Stones) or a need to fill a bill, bands can’t do it alone. Without knowing other bands, being out there watching other bands or even hanging out with other bands, it’s been proven (by me at least) that having a group of like minded, goal driven, friend bands can help with both success and feeling less like a band is on an island.
There is something called an Autotelic experience, which is essentially a flow state, which is a state in which one is fully involved and engaged in an activity purely for the sake of doing said activity. It’s the purest way of being in the moment, short of meditation. When bands are on stage performing their songs, there is an autotelic flow happening and even moreso, when there is a show where it’s all friends bands, together, singing each other's songs and jumping on stage singing back ups. It’s the feeling of togetherness, of community, that elevates the experience for both the performer AND the spectator. Everyone is maximally immersed. It’s a beautiful thing and it’s when there is a strong sense of “scene” that those moments become unforgettable.
It had been many years since I truly experienced that feeling and even longer since I felt I was part of real scene, perhaps since 2008 when “The East Side Indie Rock Scene” was a thing, where my friend Joey sang on his song “This Ain't A Scene”
“This ain't a scene, it’s a place to be.”
However one reads that line, cynically or nostalgically, he was right; It was a place to be. For us musicians, it was a place to be ourselves, but to be ourselves together. When we toured with The Roxies, I felt that love and respect again and that our band wasn’t alone on an island figuring out for ourselves and it was nourishing for me. It was also two years ago…
Admittedly, when I am alone, I spiral. I lean into my negative self talk and I ruminate on worry, because, frankly, I am worried all the time. The world's in dire straits and we are bogged down with needless stimulus, high expectations and heavy pressure. As I started my spiral this morning, I was fortunate enough to spend an hour in a classroom with a group going over a case study. I spent some time with people working toward a goal who were there for the same reasons. It wasn’t running or music based, but it was something I loved doing and we all had a shared goal and passion. For an hour today my "parallel playmates” got me out of a rut, and my spiraling was able to dissipate.
If you’re feeling alone, isolated or spiraling, call someone. If you’re too cool to call, text someone. If you’re chronically on an app, DM someone. Build that network and find your own community, no matter how big or small. So please, don’t go about it alone, as I guarantee there will be plenty of "parallel playmates” for you. Take it from a fellow weirdo.
Thanks for reading and being a part of this community.
ETC:
This summer is jam packed with gigs. I’m playing with 6 different bands this summer, each weekend will be a whirlwind and I’ll likely have something to say about it on Substack, but we’ll see…
For now, Here’s the first show of the summer. I’m playing at Bamboo Club (Long Beach's premiere tiki venue) with my Iggy and Stooges cover band, Icky and Splooges
Well said, Sean!
This is great, Sean. I feel the same way about boxing. I didn't start training at a boxing gym for the camaraderie, but it's a big reason why I keep going back.