This past Saturday I played a really fun gig down in San Diego, sitting in with a friend's cover band. It had been planned for months and I knew it was going to be a good time so my wife and I made the plan to stay down there for the night as well. However, it happened to fall on the same day as the No Kings protest, in which millions of people throughout the country came out to protest and rally against the shenanigans happening in our country, and more specifically for us in Los Angeles, what’s happening here. I'd been out to protest a week prior and I've been trying to follow everything closely and do everything I could, given my limitations, to help. But as the days led up to the gig, I had this nagging feeling of guilt that I wasn't, and should be, going to the protest.
The guilt, which I know stems from this desire to be of service, to always be taking action and to frankly, be everywhere at once, is something I have to remind myself of when things like this come up. These are just things about me I have to work on forever, but I digress… After having a brief conversation with the band prior to the show on Saturday, as we all had similar feelings, we decided that playing the show was ok and in fact, it was, at least at that moment, the right thing to do. Of course, there were no feelings of superiority or delusions of grandeur that we were making some huge global difference, or that our brand of fun was going to change the world that day. No, it was that we had the responsibility, at least for those few hours, to entertain these people at this event and give them a fleeting but memorable distraction from the ick that may be residing in their heads. This ick I speak of, and I speak for myself here, was certainly in my head leading up to the show, especially since I heard about the assassination of the senator on the drive down, hence the hesitation and rumination. I really had to convince myself what I was doing was ok, good enough and perhaps that maybe this was my purpose after all.
I wondered at times if the people at this event cared about what was happening in the world, because of the way in which many were so willing to actively be dancing, singing and staying with us in the moment, assuming that this was an indication of not caring. Or maybe the re frame was that they were absolutely aware of what was happening in the world and NEEDED that catharsis and we were there to provide that for them, one alternative top 40 hit at a time. I would like to lean toward the latter here and I would also like to think that the way that they were reacting was a distraction for US, the players, and that this catharsis was symbiotic and that in those fleeting few hours, we needed each other and fed off of one another. This isn’t groundbreaking and it is usually the case when the crowd and the performers are floating together in a sort of flow state, but this time it FELT different. As much as we were all able to push the black cloud away and enjoy ourselves in those few hours, the cloud was still there on the horizon, waiting to come back.
(Proof of Life. People enjoying themselves. Pic via @blackcrystalwolfkids)
In dialectical behavioral therapy, there are a handful of theories and skills that are used and usually broken down by some sort of acronym. Quite frankly, some of the acronyms are pretty ridiculous, but one particular idea came up for me this weekend, which is what is called ACCEPTS.
ACCEPTS is a distress tolerance skill that is intended to distract us from distressing emotions or behaviors. We’re not talking distractions like watching TV for 4 hours, or cracking open a 6 pack. These are more based on being focused and present and distract as a way to slow down the emotions or behaviors to get back to stability, or stasis. The acronym stands for Activities, Contributing, Comparisons, Emotions, Pushing away, Thoughts, and Sensations. The words are self explanatory and since this isn’t a psychology lesson, I’m gonna tie it back to Saturday.
I thought about this approach after Saturday because it seems to fit the bill. I was distressed that I wasn’t “doing enough” by not being at the protest. While I stopped and took the long view, I saw that this “activity” I was taking part of was actually “contributing” to maybe not society as a whole, but contributing to the happiness of a few hundred people on a beautiful Saturday afternoon in San Diego. The “comparison” was that if I wasn't taking part in this particular gig and that I was instead not doing anything or worse, not giving someone a dose of fun, what is the point, because at the end of the day, aren’t I a performer? Isn’t all this music stuff I signed up for partly a reason to make people smile, think and forget the world for a few minutes? Why the guilt then? Performing music is what I’ve been doing forever, which leads me to the idea of shifting my “emotions” from shame or guilt, to perhaps pride and appreciation. I was “pushing away” the painful thoughts of ICE raids, police brutality and the president, things I have NO control over, and taking these few hours to shift my “thoughts” to be in a more positive place, enjoying performing music for others with my friends. Lastly, the physical “sensation” of hitting the drums by implementing all of my limbs, the sunshine beating on my body (leaving a gnarly leg burn) and the sweat from my forehead, all kept me in tune, in the moment and appreciative. Even if it sounds weird in this context, I was appreciative that I have the privilege to do this at all and that what we did was good enough to elicit a strong response and memorable enough for me to ACCEPT that even though I wasn’t marching, I was still making something of a difference, somewhere, to someone.
Yes, being at that protest would have been magnificent and I would have felt that feeling of community strength and love for the city. However, because I had such a nice experience, I was able to recharge and be ready for the next thing, because we know by now that there will always be a “next thing.” To add to that, I will continue to show up for rallies, marches and protests as long as I can do them. I am even putting together a first aid kit build session this weekend for protesters because this is how I feel I show up. However, if I am depleted and doing my bare minimum, when I could be doing more, but am burnt out or unsatisfied with life in general, I am not serving my purpose and I’d like to think some of that purpose involves helping, being of service and showing up.
I doubt I am the only one who feels this because I've heard many people I know say they wish they too could go to the protest but they can’t and when they see the photos and videos on Instagram and they feel like they're missing out on something. The reality is that to fight isn't just showing up to one protest with a cute sign. The fight is continuous and will be ongoing and if you miss something this week, just be aware that there are things happening next week and the week after, and the week after, and the week after that. Any small thing you do whether it's showing up to an event, or city council meeting or if it's writing something here on Substack that changes somebody's opinion or maybe it’s just showing up for a friend when they had a shit day, or being there for a scared friend whose family member is afraid of deportation and you want to buy them food, there are many, many ways to communicate how you feel and how to bring back to the community. One size does not fit all.
This sense of community and fight that everyone's been having in the last couple of weeks has to sustain. It certainly has to for at least for the next three and a half years because we know exactly what's going to continue to happen, especially for those who are most vulnerable. I say if you can, use whatever free time you have in your power, regardless of your limits, to do whatever you can for whomever you can. There is nothing too small. Action is action and we have to ACCEPT that if we’re to progress as a society…
Thanks for reading. Keep on fighting the good fight, everyone. Stay healthy and try to be happy. We’re in it together. Talk next week.
ETC:
Shows!
Saturday, June 21 - Alex’s Bar in Long Beach: I am playing my yearly one (or two) off with The Beat Killers. Really fun rock and roll and to boot, it’s our singer’s 50th!
Sunday, June 22: Roman’s Weirdos at Old Towne Pub in Pasadena (Afternoon show!) with The Reflectors and more! $5
I am 100 percent with you on all of this — but also disappointed, because the title and first paragraph of your post had me hoping that you were playing in an Accept tribute band. 🤘🏼